HELLO SEATTLE!!!

YEEEEESSSSSSSS!!! "We're going to be in the Seattle Sketch Fest, we're going to be in the Seattle Sketch Fest, we're going to be in the Seattle Sketch Fest . . . ."

Yeah, I'm 10 years old.

- Kevin

Racial Tidbits

Assumptions are so much easier. Just assume everything and life is more interesting. It's getting to where you can't take anybody at their word anymore. People are cattle...I've siad that before. Just say anything you want and people will believe it. You just have to have some feeling or conviction behind your words and everyone will believe it.

Tomorrow at work, try it. Go up to...hm, let's say...a Black male co-worker -- if there are any that you feel comfortable talking to, because you know how they are -- and say something like, "Dude, how about that Miami Heat? World Champions, eh." And because all Black men like basketball he will engage in conversation with you...you might even make a friend for life...well, until you sell him out or take advantage of him or mistreat him because of his race.

Now, White women, listen to this: Black women are a little trickier as all of them are pretty angry and hate White women. So with Black women you wanna say something like, "Hey, I dated a Black guy before." They LOVE that, so be sure to use that as an ice-breaker.

Or

"Hey, Shakongalaquishita Jenkins. Man, I love your hair. (Oh, and touch it. It's a sign of respect to touch Black women's hair after complimenting it.)

After this YOU will have a VERY different relationship with this and ANY other Black woman you meet.

Have fun cra-- ...folks. And you're welcome.

- Kevin

kevINda

I Think...

So I'm sitting on the plane flying back from L.A., when we hit something. Turbulence, I suppose. I guess. I think. But I'm not any type of airline pilot experty type, so I don't really know for sure. I just know that it felt as if we'd run over a deer. Not that I've ever run over a deer. But I imagine that's what it would feel like.

Anyway, the pilot gets on the intercom and says, "Folks, what you just felt, I think we passed through a jet stream from another plane that was here previously." I THINK? Did the man piloting this aircraft just say, "I think"??? Why the heck doesn't he know?! He should be able to tell us exactly where we are and what we're doing at all times. Maybe I've got high expectations, but I genuinely expect my pilot to know what's going on! The pilot doesn't need to be a rocket scientist, but he does have hundreds of lives in his hands. (Of course, Kevin, we're all really in God's hands...don't start.) But I think of a pilot as kind of like a multi-tasking, brain surgeon of the sky, performing a difficult operation on hundreds of passengers at a time. He's responsible for knowing about longitude and latitude and landing procedures and flicking lots of complicated button sequences like they do in movies.

And what is this business about flying through something that some other plane left behind? What...a plane left its ghost behind? Or was it more of a plane fart? Why didn't the pilot see it coming?

Know what I think? I think it would be nice to never have to put my life in someone else's hands again that far up in the sky. I think I would like to teleport myself. Or better yet -- apparate and disapparate. I think...

- Inda

Self Destructive

Most old people are set in their ways. So it is useless to try and ask them to change, even if it could save their lives. Many of them change . . . AFTER the doctor has diagnosed them with CANCER, DIABETES, and whatever else they have that they could have POSSIBLY prevented . . . I understand that some things are hereditary, but if you have been smoking, drinking, eating shit you SHOULDN'T be eating all of your life AND NOT taking care of yourself, well guess what, we can't prove whether or not it was hereditary now can we? Now if you have been healthy or at the very least TRYING to be healthy sure, but if you are SELF DESTRUCTIVE don't be surprised when the doctor diagnoses you with whateva.And you owe your loved ones an apology . . . assuming you care about your loved ones or what they think or what they will feel after you are gone.

Wow that was harsh, eh? Such is life.

- Kevin

Dang!

Dang, real estate in expensive in L.A.! That's all. - Inda

Change!

"Be the change you want to be in the world."
- Mahatma Gandhi

Yes, change. Hey, I was watching this thing on Yahoo video. Deepak Chopra. He's the guy that I got the quote fromm who in turn was quoting Ghandi. Anyway, he said a lot of things that made sense. He talked about everything being or coming from within.

Check yourself for a second, just a second 'cause I know we all have A.D.D. Just check yourself and think about something that is pissing you off...sorry -- a minute -- not a second. Okay, now think about this thing that's bothering you> Now, are you doing something about it or complaining about it? Yeah, me too. So stop complaining and do something about it. (Insert dumb jock voice, or Southern dialect, or Valley-girl impression here.) "Like what, Kevin? This problem is bigger than me." Yeah, maybe, but if you were to die today and go to heaven (if you don't believe in heaven, play along. You might as well. You've invested so much already) and God (please continue to play along) said, "So, you had this problem and you didn't do anything about it except complain. You complained as if tomorrow were promised; you complained as if you were going to die because of this problem; you complained as if you were in a third world country and were living off two dollars a day; you complained as if life were not about choices; you complained as if you were living in hell... " (read like an excited child telling a story) and then God would say, "Now you're gonna go back and fix the problem you had and make the right decisions." And then God would give you a second chance, but then you would get distracted by the TiVo, or the hot girl that was looking at you, or the money you need to make, or the sex you NEED to have, or the car you want to buy, or the bitch you wanna yell at, or the price of gas, or Republicans and there money hungry ways(Zing.), or the racism, or the minimum wage, or the kids not listening, or the husband cheating, or the STD, or the racism, or the new movie coming out and why the hell is it another remake, or the fact that every hip-hop video is the same song/different illiterate rapper and different beat, and why the hell is it selling, or why you're teaching kids that can't read or write but THEY KNOW EVERY FUCKING WORD to LAFFY TAFFY! ...and you get so distracted that you forget why you were sent back and then you die again and this time God is like, "F*#k it." and you burn in Hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The moral of the story is: Listen and get out of the situation you are in...because if you had a second chance at life you would probably mess it up again, anyway.

- Kevin

Home

Someone here in L.A. said to me just this afternoon, "Welcome home." Wow. It feels like I belong here...sometimes...then I miss my house and my deck and my Chihuahua. Oh, and my kids. Funny how easy it is to forget them when you're having food. I mean fun. When you're having fun.

Tommy's Famous Hamburgers, Toy on Sunset, Fatburger, Del Taco, El Compadre, El Coyote, Frito Misto, Roscoe's House of Chicken and Waffles, Jack 'n the Box, The Coffee Bean, Four and Twenty, Barney's Beanery, El Pollo Loco...These are a few of my favorite things.

- Inda

My Turn

Now Inda's in L.A. I couldn't wait to get out here. Now I can't wait to go to sleep. It's been a long, long day. But I'm here, safe and sound and I'm excited about some meetings tomorrow.

Ah, the palm trees.

- Inda

I love soc---- FOOTBALL!

So, I was watching those political morning shows on Sunday. There was one on NBC and one on CBS and ABC. Why they would talk politics on the Lord's day is beyond me. Not judging. Wait, I am. Anyway, they were all talking about Iraq and pulling the troops out and the President being an idiot...yes I am quoting, I promise (fingers crossed). And I was thinking -- wow, we are so dead. Everyone hates this country. I like this country, but everyone else hates it, including the people that are citizens of it. Let me back up a bit...example, World Cup Soccer. Why does the U.S. soccer team have to have MORE security than any other country? Not saying I don't agree, I am saying that, well...that's telling, don't you think? Because everyone...most of the world...dislikes us and what's funny is that most of the U.S. HATES SOCCER!! So even if something did happen to them (the team), no one here would give a F*#K! The most popular sport in the WORLD and we can barely give away tickets to a game here. That's telling to me. I understand it. Because if anything is challenging in this country we find an easier, lazier way to do it...or play it. Steroids. NUFF said. Example:

U.S. circa, um. . . hm . . . when football was brought here.
(insert Southern accent here) "Man this game where you use your feet, and kick the ball. That's too hard. What we need to do is be able to use our hands like that there one player in the goal, what is he called...the Goal - - LEE? Yeah, I think we should all be able to use our hands and I think we should fight each other for the ball too." "You mean like boxing?" "No efus. Like, um, tacklin'." "You mean like fishin' tackle?" "No, dummy. Like this." (man tackles efus) "Ouch. (pause) That would be fun. You don't think it's too gay do you...the touching and the grabbing..." "NO! And we should call it FOOTBALL." "But the other game is called football and it's popular all over the world..." "Fuck you, efus. This is the U.S. We have been stealing shit and makin' it our own for years. We'll call their stupid kickin' game SOCCER."

- Kevin

Got Him!

So, I'm sitting in a restaurant, eating lunch with friends. We'd requested a table by the window because it was such a lovely day out. Real pleasant, huh?

Yeah, except for the tasteless cover of the Chicago Sun Times in the dispensor right outside our window. A close-up of al-Zarqawi's bruised, dead face. A corpse on the cover of the paper. The photo blown up to cover half of the front page. With the headline, "Got Him!"

Maybe it's just me, but shouldn't fighting wars, stopping crime and wiping out terror be dignified, noble endeavors? Shouldn't our soldiers fight quietly and honorably to restore order and bring about justice? Kind of like the way the Batman does. Or like Superman. Even the freakin' Hulk. It's not a sport, for goodness' sake. We don't need to spike the ball, throw sand and yell, "In your face, terrorists!" And our journalists don't need to parade corpses as if we were in medieval times. Got him! Let's celebrate. I'm glad I ordered that martini.

- Inda

Future...

Hey, I think I met my future EX-girlfriend today . . . okay I'll be positive.

Hey, I KNOW I met my future ex-girlfriend today.

- Kevin

The Pleasure of a Pounding

I had some replacement window companies come out and give me estimates. That's like inviting a used car salesmen -- on the last day of the month -- to come and sit down in your home. While you're tied to your own chair. And gagged. It's not pretty. It's not very professional, either. They give you a price, you say thank you and let them know (for the fifth time) that you won't commit to anything today because you want to get a few estimates, they give you a lower price, you reiterate the same statment, they make a phone call, they give you an even lower price -- but it's only good today -- and then they leave. But it ain't over. The company calls you several times a day for the next several weeks. You don't answer. You thank your God for caller i.d.

Pleasure of a pounding? What the heck, Inda? I know that's what you're thinking. I'll get to that. So this last window guy is former Navy. Retired just short of 20 years. Buzz cut. Thick neck. Thick RED neck. He happened to have been lucky enough to be stationed onboard a ship in the Middle East when the September 11th attacks occurred. And, I quote, "It was a pleasure giving 'em a pounding." Oh, the glee in his voice. The misguided, pseudo-patriotic, revenge-filled tone in his smug, smarmy voice.

Now, I'm no expert on politics, and so I wonder who the "'em" was he was "pounding" and, furthermore, why was there so much "pleasure" involved? I figure that he wasn't referring to "pounding" the actual hijackers on the planes, 'cuz they were already dead. Maybe he personally found some al-Qaeda members onboard his ship. Doubt it. Don't remember for sure, but I don't recall the U.S. deploying naval ships, finding confirmed al-Qaeda cells and "pounding" on "'em" that day. Would have been some swift, concise military action on our parts. Don't recall that happening, though. Wasn't on CNN. So, I gather, this guy's ship just attacked...or pounded...at will somewhere in the Middle East. What was the target exactly? Anyone who looked Middle Eastern?

I couldn't ask him any more questions. I didn't want to hear any more about what gave this guy his "pleasure." It was obvious that he wasn't getting my window replacement business. His price quote was too high, regardless of his politics. I was just good and ready for him to get out of my house before he let slip the phrase "sand niggers."

- Inda

Kevin's Got a New Woman

NOTE: Inda posted a day late. Pretend it's yesterday.

Happy 6-6-06 EVERYONE!!! The OMEN came out today . . . good marketing, eh?

No, the Lord is not coming. If you read the Bible, which most of you probably don't -- not judging, I just know that most people are lazy and it's a long book -- anyway, it says He will come like a thief in the night. That means when you least expect it. There. Moving forward.

There are no open mics here. L.A. totally spoiled me. I was all ready to go do it tonight, I was all pumped and then I look in the Reader and it's like all music and poetry...do people still do poetry? No offense to poets, but more than an hour of open mic poetry and I'm done. Although one could argue more than a half hour of bad open mic stand-up comedy and they're done, touche. But yeah I have to go to an open mic and ask the comedians where the open mics are, like they are freakin' speakeasies! In L.A. you run into one every block. Kidding. That's NY. I hear.

I have had an audition every day since I have been back. Crazy. See, the theory works. When you stay in Chicago you don't get shit, but the moment you make plans to leave they won't stop ringing your freakin' phone. But I am leaving Chicago, oh, no, I am out of here. You had your chance, you bitch!! It's over. I have a new woman and her name is L.A. Sure, she's not as smart as you, and doesn't care about my talent, and only cares about money and what I look like, but guess what? She is not nearly as cold as you can be. She's hot. And she's hot ALL the time. Not wishy-washy like you with your fall, WINTER, spring and SHORT summer. Yeah, my new bitch, L.A., knows how to treat a man...that is famous or has a coke addiction, or can get her parts in the industry. No, I am not that man, NOT YET. But soon, and oh, yes, she'll want me just like you want me RIGHT now, Chicago. But I am OUTTA here!!

- Kevin

No Comment

Have you ever wanted to comment on a kevINda blog but found that you couldn't? Have you ever thought: "What am I, stupid or something? Why can't I comment on how brilliant and funny Kevin and Inda are? Why can't I tell them how much I love and appreciate their comic musings? What's wrong with me?"

You're so sweet. But it's not your fault it didn't work out. It's not you. It's me. I'm not good enough for you. Wait...I digress.

I have fixed our blogger settings and you may now comment willy-nilly!!!

- Inda

Let Go

I am back. But still on party time...I mean L.A. time. I am going to miss the mid-day siestas, but ce la vie. I have so much stuff to do. Kevin is in HIGH demand. But Kevin does not feel motivated. Kevin is going to take today to get his shiznit together and get motivated.

What's bloggy that I could write about? Oh, yes, letting go. Men. Have you heard the saying, Let go and let God? To me that means any negative feelings, problems, or issues, etc., that you may have you should let them go and let God work it out. Easier said then done? Not really. Everything is a choice. EVERYTHING. Especially in a country where literally anything is possible. So you can waste all of your time and energy harboring those negative feelings, issues, problems, etc., or let them go and move on with your life. The choice is yours. And if you were thinking about commiting some sort of crime because you can't let go, you'd better know how to fight because men in prison have not had sex with women in a long time and to them fresh cellmates are just like women...in other words, they will rape you. So let go and let God...not let God rape you, but let...you know what I mean.

- Kevin

Walkie Talkie Etiquette

Damn. I thought people learning proper cell phone etiquette was bad enough. But now there are those gosh-darn walkie-talkies. Which, unless you're on a construction crew, YOU DON'T NEED! Walkie-talkies are not for use in restaurants! Even if it is a buffet. Doesn't matter. Nobody else wants to hear your end of the conversation nor the other person's end of it. Put the freakin' phone to your ear and talk! Or -- even better -- go outside! I'm done.

- Inda