If I Had a Nickel...

If I actually got paid for writing, like an actual bi-weekly paycheck that I could count on every... well, every two weeks... I'd be really frackin' happy about that. Okay, maybe not a nickel a word, but a paycheck nonetheless.

I was reading the "Best of..." articles in the Arts section of the Chicago Tribune this week. They gave space -- and a paycheck -- to a writer who does fine work in the Chicago Tribune Magazine. She went out of the country to do an in-depth story on girls growing up in some poor African village. She wrote one on girl scouting and the morals of young women. Lovely words. In the Chicago Tribune Magazine. Which is where she and her lovely words should stay. Confined. Locked up tight. But to give this twit a byline in the Arts section was so absolutely wrong that I can't even begin to understand what they were thinking.

She didn't watch any movies. Her "article" said that she didn't watch them (because she was out of the country writing an in-depth story on girls growing up in some poor African blah blah blah). She didn't have time. Her "article" (can you tell I hate this notion?) then went on to say that 2007 wasn't such a great year for films. WHAAHHH? She didn't even see the big movies that are on all of the film critics' top 10 lists, referring to a few of them as "little gems." Little gems that she didn't even see. Wow.

She who must not be named is getting paid to give a year-end wrap-up of films she admittedly hasn't seen. Did I mention that SHE'S GETTING PAID to do this? And here I blog.

If I had a nickel...

- Inda

Thanks, Byron

I was at the party with a bunch of Chicago actors the other night, and Byron Willis reminded me of something. So screw you, Kevin Douglas.

1. I was in a play, "Feelings," with Kellita Smith
2. Kellita was on The Bernie Mac show
3. Bernie Mac was in Bad Santa with Billy Bob

Me and Billy are like this! (Imagine my index finger and my middle finger... oh, you get it.)

- Inda

I'm Tight Like That With Billy Bob!!!

Okay, I came up with five degrees of separation between me and Billy Bob Thornton. I'm quite excited about that. Of course, I'm happy that my other half, Kevin, is having success in his career as a theatre actor. But, really, what can he do for me? How does it come around to me? And how can his talents get me closer to Billy Bob? Well, here it is.

1. Inda and Kevin Douglas are kevINda
2. Douglas and David Schwimmer are in Lookingglass Theatre Company
3. Schwimmer and George Clooney were on Friends
4. Clooney and Bernie Mac were in Oceans 11-13
5. Mac and Billy Bob Thornton were in Bad Santa

We're so tight, well... I could use all sorts of yummy euphemisms for just how tight we are, but they're all pretty dirty so I'll just skip it. The point is -- we're tight.

- Inda

Christmas Alone

I will be spending Christmas in L.A. It will be weird being here with no family, and not really celebrating the way I am accustomed to celebrating... oh, I forgot to que the violins. Anyway, it will be fine. I am excited and blessed to be alive. Now time for updates:

I just found out that I am the newest Artistic Associate of Lookingglass Theatre Company!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! Very exciting. I have done two shows with them and about three readings and seen at least five or six of their productions... I mean our productions. Our shows? That feels weird. It's too early. Anyway, I could go on and on about the company and how they do great work and how you won't be sorry if you see a Lookingglass show and blah blah blah, but I suggest you go to their website. That's all I am going to say. I am in their (our? No, still weird) production of Around the World in Eighty Days which goes up in April. Again, EXCITED! Yes, I will be back in Chicago just as the weather is getting a little better. Good timing, eh?

Not as good as my timing coming out here. Yeah, the strike. It's not gonna end, but I have Chicago and plenty of work there if it doesn't. I am using L.A. for its money. Yes, using it like a cheating boyfriend uses his secret lover when the significant other is away, only my girl (Chicago) is cool with it. Yeah, I am seeing other people, basically. Time apart, if you will. And since there is not much work here I will probably be begging my girl Chicago to take me back, but with my luck she'll have moved on to someone younger, funnier, more talented and more Canadian.

I probably won't be here for long. I mean I'll be back when there is work but otherwise, why stay? For the traffic? For the women who don't want you unless you are someone or slept with someone who is someone? For the traffic? For the no work?

In other Kevin news: I have a commercial agent!!!! WOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Very excited. I did improv at the Comedy Store with a group of guys who I think are considering having me join their troop. Yeah, the Comedy Store! Every comedian of note has performed there -- and even ones that are not of note. It was fun. And I may be doing stand up there. Mm-hmm. Yup. I have to get it together and an opportunity like that may force me to get it together.

Go and see I Am Legend. It is great. DO NOT SEE IT IF YOU READ THE BOOK, HATE WILL SMITH, OR ARE JUST A PLAIN MISERABLE PERSON WHO LOVES TO BITCH. But you other people will love it or like it alot. It stressed me out, too. Man, scary movies are awesome. I am going to write one and I think I am going to call it Are They... just kidding, Inda. Inside joke, non-kevINda-ers.

Okay, I think I am done. I miss my Inda. Que or cue the violins:
Well, I hope your Christmas is better than mine will be. I hope none of you are alone like I will be. I guess things could be worse. I could be dead. HAHAHAAAAAA. Sorry, I could not keep a straight face. I am fine. I am hanging with some friends. We are gonna do a pot luck and I will probably go see Great Debaters (Cue Violins) Alone.

- Kevin

I Poop You Not

These are some of the actual responses from my next-door neighbor's 18-year-old son when I told him yesterday that his dog may not poop in my yard and that I expected him to clean up the three piles of poop already there:

I don't make him go in your yard.
What do you want me to do?
Is that even your property?
If it's behind your house, isnt that community property or something?
It'll break down eventually and turn into fertilizer. It's good for the grass.
I know dogs.

It was probably the most ghetto-fabulous conversation I've ever had. As soon as it was over, I called that boy's mama on her job. Five minutes later, that boy was in my yard, picking up his dog's poop in a Jewel bag. Ah, my people.

- Inda

Porky's 12

I feel as though I have been making some ramshackle career decisions that have led me to feeling unfulfilled. I turned down a reading yesterday that I really wanted to do, in order to go to a callback audition for an out-of-town local pizza commercial that I probably won't even get. And my agent probably could have rescheduled my audition time so I could have done both, but far be it for help to come when you want it. Bitter? Meow-meow-mee? "Sorry, Mr. Bill Duke, I can't do your play. I'm working on Porky's 12." That's the L.A. equivalent to my Midwestern situation. Or at least that's how it feels. Opportunities keep swirling about, taunting me (and kevINda), and then they seem to disappear. Or get postponed. Or go on strike. And if I get one more e-mail that starts: Thank you for your interest in... or contains the phrase ... however, we had such a large number of qualified applicants... I AM GOING TO SCREEEEEAAAAMMM! Or just blog quietly.

- Inda

Stuck

I have been stuck at La Guardia Airport all afternoon.
I was in New York on a Second City gig, working as an actor/improviser.

I had to turn down a reading at a theatre that I'd love to work at, and it's a director with whom I'd love to work.
I had to turn it down because I have a commercial callback at the same time.

I have to work extra hours/gigs to make some cash.
I need the extra cash to fly out to L.A. for an important showcase.

So, I guess when you're stuck it's not always a bad thing. It's just hard to see it sometimes because you're... well, stuck in the middle of it.

- Inda