You Don't Know Me

Hey, if you don't know me please don't claim to know me. There are people that I have known for a long time who have known me for a long time who still don't really KNOW me. I mean no one can really know someone, because people change. I mean some people are set in their ways, but you don't even really know those people. So if you don't know me or think you know me or think you know my type, you don't know me. You can ask about me and I may give you info about me, but you still won't know me. You'll know information that I choose to give about me and even then you won't know for sure if that information is true. Is he lying, is he telling the truth -- who knows? You don't know so please don't claim to know me if you don't. Now you know.

- Kevin

Fat Partner + Tears = Emmy

Man, bringing Laura Webber Baldwin Spencer Cassadine Spencer back to General Hospital was a sure-fire way to win somebody an Emmy. But maybe not for Genie Francis. Tony Geary brought it. I don't care it it's daytime, nighttime, theatre, film, whatever. Acting is acting. And that dude brought it! He should get an Emmy. They should bring Genie Fatass... I mean Francis back whenever Geary's overdue for an award. Man, I need a Fatass. Kevin, go away, eat something (or eat everything), then come back so I can bring the tears and win a Jeff.

- Inda

Global

It's 60 degrees at the end of November... in Chicago. Maybe hell is freezing over. Would that cause a warm front here? Maybe it's all those darn Hummers on the road. Nah, I'll go with hell freezing over. That way the Cubs will win the World Series.

Yeah, I said it. What!?

- Inda

Happy Thanks(birthday)giving to me!

Well Happy Thanks - Birthday - Giving to me!!!

WHOOOO HOOOOOO!!! Yeah, me! I am (doesn't matter) years old!!! YES!!!!!

Ah, another year, another birthday overshadowed by Thanksgiving.

- Kevin

NIGGER

Nigger, or the N-word as it's called by those who don't want to say it when Black people are around, is THEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE most powerful word in the United States. Well, that and the word free, 'cause free shit is awesome.

Keep your head up K-K-Kramer.

- Kevin

I Don't Want Your Cookies!

I was shopping at Carson Pirie Scott a few days ago. Spending money. A good amount of it. I noticed a few employees walking around carrying trays of chocolates for guests. I was a guest. But I resisted the first offer because I really didn't need any sweets. I wanted to be healthier and not indulge myself so much. Then I resisted the second offering of chocolates. As I was leaving the store to get my free panties at Victoria Secrets... ladies, you know what I'm talking about... I noticed a table set up with chocolate and cookies. I thought, "What the heck. I'll take a look. Maybe this time I will have a piece of chocolate. I'm a guest. I've spent my good money in this store. I deserve it."

No sooner than I'd thought the thought and shifted my Carson's bags (NOTE: plural... because I'd been shopping... spending my money in their store) an employee came over and said, "Those are for make-up customers only." Now, I normally would have been okay with that. Rules are rules and I generally respect the rules.

But this particular time it rubbed me the wrong way. The employee who stopped me was obviously on her way to snake a cookie for herself. Deflecting her own guilt, she decided to pull out some authority on me. Then this fat bitch, and I mean that whole-heartedly, stuck her fat hand into the cookie tray and popped a cookie into her fat pie hole and walked her fat ass away!

Did she not realize how ridiculous she was? How illogical and faulty her rationalale for denying me a cookie or piece of chocolate as she -- obiviously NOT a "make-up customer" -- shoved a cookie into her fat face?

Here's what happened next: Alternate-Universe Inda told her about herself, cussed her out, demanded to speak to her manager, demanded an apology, flung the plates of cookies and chocolates into the air, and said, "I don't want your cookies. Now clean it up, worker!" In the end Alternate-Universe Inda walked away victorious, justified, and 2 inches taller, my long weave flowing and soundtrack music playing. Probably something by Prince.

Here's what really happened next: This-Universe Inda just walked away. And wrote an angry blog.

- Inda

I Am Not Jesus

Still in Canada. Still don't know why I left Canada. Kidding. I left 'cause I was ten and had no choice. Still don't know why I don't come back more often. Kidding. Because they have enough good people here; it's the United Sates that needs more good people -- ZING! Jesus never hung out with only Christians. He hung with the prostitutes and robbers -- the people that need help... Wow, that was hilarious I compared my self to Jesus. I am not Jesus nor do I claim to be. I also like the U.S. A lot. Not everything in the U.S. For example, United Airlines -- not so much. I like seeing people get reunited, like troops that have been in Iraq. It's good to see them come home and get reunited with their families; United Airlines, not so much. I like the U.S. patriotism; U.S. Airways, not so much. Got it? Good.

I am a lot better now that I am over my tiff with the airlines, especially, after they are giving me a voucher -- should be two, but whatever. I got my bag in time for the show. Which, by the way, went smashingly. I love T DOT (that means Toronto)!!!

Okay, one last thing and I promise to drop the airlines thing. So United, I call them, and after they give me the voucher (well, they are mailing it) I said I would also like a letter of apology. Why? Why not? They owe it to me. But the dude said they couldn't do that. That's easy. A letter saying "Sorry we are idiots as far as lugagge is concerned, but we get you there safely." A simple letter stating "My God how could we be so incompetent, here are some shares of stock." A letter saying "Kevin, we assure you that this will never happen again. We were wrong to have lied and given you the run-around and we hope that you will continue to fly with us. Sincerely, Stupid Faces." But no. He says their computers don't or can't do that. It's probably the same computers that handle the baggage -- ZING!!!

Done.

- Kevin

Leaving Toronto

We had a ball at the Toronto Sketchfest. Thank you to Melanie, Julianne, Paul, Gary, Jay, Sue and all the volunteers.

I'm leaving your city/country today and am in terrible need of sleep. I didn't stay up partying... I was up until 4:30 a.m. studying for a real estate test I'm taking later tonight. Yes, 4:30 in the a. freakin' m. That's how I get down. I don't play. You have to work hard and give all you've got if you want to succeed at slowly giving up your dream.

- Inda

US Airways and United

United. Yeah, right. should be called Untied. U.S. Airways should be called Third World Country Airways... wait, that would be insulting third world countries. TWO of the WORST AIRLINES EVER unless you like horrible customer service. Baggage mishandling LIKE CRAZY!!!! LIES, oh the LIES!!! What else? The blame game! "Trust me, we'll make finding your bag a priority." The fact that you have to literally tell them you are NOT getting off the phone until it's resolved or, worse, going to the airport and breaking their little, "you're not allowed to go to the source of the problem; we have to process this so that they can fill this out that way they can tell this person how to find this area so that they can put your info in the computer so that they can prioritize who has the right to find the bag so that they can tell you that they don't know where it is!" I hate them with a passion and I will not fly with them again nor will I do connecting flights again.

Ah, hard to believe I go to church. I think I will go pray right now. Good night.

- Kevin

Goin' Home-Home

I am going home to Canada... NOT Texas. Home-home... NOT home. I have not been to Canada in, I don't know how long. I am so excited. Inda and I are in the Toronto Sketch Comedy Festival. We perform Wednesday. I have a lot of family there and none of them have ever seen me perform... well, except for George Jefferson impressions when I was little. "WEEEZY!"

I went to church yesterday that was great. I like my church. I am so blessed. I always get that reiterated when I go to church. And if any of you ever wanna go with me to my church you are allllll invited.

I am packing right now. I will be in Toronto for a week. Oh my gosh I am going to have SOOOOOOO much Jamaican food. Why, you ask? Because my family is Jamaican!!! Like everyday Jamaican food breakfast lunch and dinner!! I can't wait!!!

Saw Stranger Than Fiction and Last King of Scotland. Both very good and both Oscar-worthy. Man, Forest Whitaker, good stuff. Stranger Than Fiction was the most origanal movie I have seen in a long time. My reviews really don't matter. I am not qualified to review anything, but then again, most reviewers are not qualified to review either. I think I am going to review reviewers. That would be hilarious. "Well, I didn't think the use of the word tenacity was appropriate for this show and three paragraphs -- really, is that necesary? Oh, thanks for the synopsis, but that's not a review; that's a synopsis. Not to mention that you just ruined the show for me." Consider that sketch written, folks.

Bye and much love. I will be back, especially since the Democrats are runnin' thangs NAH MEAN!

- Canadian

Judgment

Man, this chick at the nail shop was getting on my last freaking nerves yesterday. (My nails look great, by the way.) Anyway, this chick was on her cell phone the entire time she was getting her nails done two seats over from me. The entire time. One phone call after another. I'm sure the man doing her nails hated her at the time. And I hated her. I mean, I HATED HER. I wanted to scream, Do you know how inappropriate you're being?! I don't want to hear your private conversations!! They're called private for a reason! Shut up!!!!!!!!!!

And she wasn't talking about anything. Nothing. "Whatchu been doing today?" "I'm getting my nails done." "Yeah girl, she crazy." That kinda nothing. Nothing. So, it could have waited. And then there was the one that pushed my sanity over the edge: "Hold on, I got another call." ARRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!

I hated her ghetto bunny ass with a passion. I wanted to do physical harm to her. How could one person -- one ADULT person -- be so clueless? How could a grown woman not know any better? How could she think it was somehow okay to talk in public on a cell phone as if she were in her own private space bubble? How could this chick be so rude, so inconsiderate, so repulsively oblivious?

A few minutes later I sat at the drying-light-machine-cancer-causing thingy. And, as fate would have it, she sat directly across from me. Of course she did. I was seething. Hating her. Judging her. Until she said it: "Your nails look pretty. That's a pretty color." I freakin' melted. She was so kind and open and... here it comes... nice. Just that one moment of kindness from her and I melted. One compliment was all it took, and I stopped hating her. I felt so bad that I had harbored such resentment in the first place. She was instantly and completely a real human being to me. With real concerns. She knew her mom would be mad because she was twenty minutes late getting home and she hoped her nails were dry enough because she really had to run. Her boyfriend thinks she's boring for always getting the same color polish. She would be back in two weeks.

I'll be back in two weeks also. Maybe I'll see her again. Maybe I won't be so quick to judge her. Maybe I'll even have to take a phone call or two.

Nah. What am I saying? I'm still better than her.

- Inda

Can We Call It Crazy?

What is crazy? I mean, what qualifies as crazy as opposed to just different or unique behavior?

Kevin and I were discussing this just yesterday, because someone we're acquainted with -- let's call him "Raymond" -- has been complaining, bitching, moaning, yelling and downright hating on a co-worker -- let's call him "Todd" -- on an almost non-stop basis. It got to the point that we feared for Raymond's blood sugar level. I thought that Raymond's head would literally explode from the rage. Maybe he'd work himself into such a frenzy over Todd that he'd have a grabber. What made Raymond despise Todd so much? Todd's performance at work. His work ethic, or lack thereof. Todd's lazy, lackadaisical attitude toward the job. Todd's abilities to do the job. Everything about Todd's job performance pissed Raymond off. Way off.

That's not the crazy part. Maybe Raymond was a bit extreme in his ranting about Todd. Maybe Raymond was taking it all too personally, sure, but that's not crazy. The crazy came later.

One day Raymond let slip that he and Todd are... wait, here comes the "f" word... FRIENDS. "Oh, yeah, we been down from way back." Or something like that. I like using quotation marks, so sue me. It made you feel like you were right there for that part of the conversation, didn't it? Anyway, Raymond called Todd a friend. He even said that he likes Todd. After calling Todd every name in the book. After disparaging Todd to anyone who'd listen. After hating Todd, Raymond said that they're friends. I hope I never have a friend like Raymond.

That shit is crazy.

- Inda