Don't Tell Kevin

Don't tell Kevin, but lately I haven't been able to get a lot of work done because instead of writing new material for kevINda or learning lines for our next show, I find myself lying in bed and watching Maury. Why is it that when people are nerds as teenagers and they get picked on by some bully and then they grow up and invite the bully onto Maury to be confronted...why is it (long, awkwardly constructed question, I know) that the former nerd is now, ALWAYS a silicone-injected, weave-wearing, tacky, tasteless stripper or whore (redundant, I know that too)? Or, if it was a dude that was the high school geek, he's grown up to be either a bulky, steroidal man-stripper or a silcone-injected, weave-wearing transexual/cross-dresser/or otherwise transgendered individual?

Now, I want implants as much as the next flat-chested former nerd, but not because some ass in high school made fun of me. I just don't like my ta-tas. I want 'em bigger. They'll be more fun. And I promise you I won't go onto a nationally syndicated talk show and blame Skip Parker or Booger Jenkins (names have been changed to protect the innocent) for making me into the person I am now.

Man, what did these bullies do to these poor, confused kids that they turned to stripping, hoeing and transing as adults? How could a bully calling someone four-eyes or stealing their milk money produce such drastic results? But maybe my idea of bullying isn't the same as what these mixed-up little freaks faced during their adolescent years. During what I like to call My Hour of Clarity (also known as My Hour of Maury), I've concluded that it couldn't have been just the bullying that did it. What else was going on at home? Where were the parents? Wouldn't it be a more interesting and realistic dose of reality television to have the geeks confront the neglectful parent or the molesting uncle on Maury? The show, "I Was Your Special Sex Abuse Secret, But Look At Me Now!" would be full of more truth and sadness than an hour's worth of Maury could hold. And in that hour, I still wouldn't have gotten a script memorized or a new sketch written. Or maybe....

- Inda